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Wow I found my old journal and decided to write [19 Jun 2014|10:10am]
[ mood | drained ]

Well, a lot has changed since I last wrote in 2005--I feel like I'm a whole different person! My life is more my own but scarier too because of this...I feel overwhelmed a lot by the responsibilities but honored by the progress that I've made as a human being when I look back. Things used to be all about others and now the accomplishments and efforts are all a result of the efforts of myself and my boyfriend CJ who I have been with for 5 years. Funny to catch things up on here when it's been so long, but I plan to write as if I never skipped a beat just to have a platform to go with thoughts and feelings! :)

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still awake--3am [03 Nov 2005|03:12am]
[ mood | blank ]

It's getting really late--or it's 'early' depending on how you look at it. I'm still awake and restless. Life is spinning around me in suspended chaos and I have completely lost all control. It's an eerie and frightening feeling.

I watched words appear on the screen a while ago while writing about the past and it seemed like I could see the moments beyond the words right there in the computer screen. It almost seemed like the words played a video of the story behind the glass.

hmm. maybe it's time to try and get some rest--if only my body would allow such luxuries.

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quiz--so much for sleeping [02 Nov 2005|11:30pm]
[ mood | tired ]

Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion |||||||||||||||| 63%
Stability |||||||||| 33%
Orderliness |||||||||| 33%
Accommodation |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Interdependence |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Intellectual |||||||||| 36%
Mystical |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Artistic |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Religious |||||||||||||||| 70%
Hedonism |||||||||||||||| 70%
Materialism |||||||||||| 43%
Narcissism |||||||||||| 43%
Adventurousness |||||||||||| 50%
Work ethic |||||||||||| 50%
Self absorbed || 10%
Conflict seeking |||||||||||||||| 63%
Need to dominate |||||||||| 36%
Romantic |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Avoidant |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Anti-authority |||||||||||||| 56%
Wealth |||||| 30%
Dependency |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Change averse |||||||||| 36%
Cautiousness |||||||||||||||| 63%
Individuality |||||||||||||||| 70%
Sexuality |||| 16%
Peter pan complex |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Physical security |||||| 23%
Physical Fitness || 10%
Histrionic |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Paranoia |||||||||||| 50%
Vanity || 10%
Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Female cliche |||||||||| 36%
Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com
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Moving, Rictus Grin working hard, Weight Loss Surgery etc. [02 Nov 2005|10:52pm]
[ mood | busy ]

It's sure been a long time since I visited here. Feels like returning to an old friend. I don't know why I stopped in, I just felt the site drawing me in.

Many things have been happening lately to Larry and I. We're busier now than ever trying to get our stuff packed for our big move in one month or less. We're moving in with the Rictus Drummer Jeff in the big town of Fond du Lac. The more I feel like I'm getting done around the apartment the worse it starts to look. I'm feeling really nervous about moving in with someone after Larry and I have been alone for so long here. I dread and fear the things that will inevitably have to change (like privacy, losing control over rearranging things, and not being able to run around the apartment in only a big oversized shirt etc.)

I know it sounds like little piddly stuff, but I am having a hard time accepting these changes.

In other news, the band had an offer to tour with the band Warborn. It was only going to be a couple months tops along one of the coasts of the US, but they had to turn it down due to lack of vacation days and finanacial backing right now. I know that Jeff especially wanted to do it, but Larry pointed out that if the tour isn't big enough to make some kind of difference one way or another (with a well-known headliner or some 'big' shows) it just wouldn't be worth it for Dave and Larry to lose their jobs just yet. I think they are really getting close to that point where they will leave everything behind in favor of the open road...they just need that one opportunity extended to them that they currently lack.

Believe me though, we aren't waiting around for something to land in our laps--we're shooting a music video to submit to MTV2, their putting together Doomsday again for the end of January and they are on this online vote thing where the winner will get a record contract, a video shot by a special effects guy who did many well-known contemp movies and some other prizes. We'll see if any of this pans out, but if you want to vote for them go to www.sickmetal.com and give them your support. I know they can do it with help!

I've become an insomniac lately. Working on my autobiography all hours of the day and night and in between reviewing music, and interviewing bands and getting paintings and drawings done hopefully in time for the Christmas arts and crafts fairs. It's a hard lifestlye with plenty of stress, but enough down time to recover. I should be grateful for the life I lead when comparing it to others.

On a final note I went to the first meeting for the lap band weight loss surgery. It sounded promising and also very tedious to become ready for the surgery. Meetings with nutritionists, psychologists, surgeons and lots and lots of dealings with the insurance company. They had people at the meeting tonight though who had the surgery done and who said they have never been happier than they are now after the surgery. Many of them said they were close to the end of their ropes before getting the surgery. The main problem any of them had was getting food stuck when not properly chewed. I think I would learn not to do that pretty darn quick after puking and feeling sick!!! I hope it's the right decision for me!

Well, I better go and try to sleep for once. I have so much to get done here that I desperately need sleep!

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on my mind [17 Oct 2005|11:34pm]
[ mood | drained ]

What's on my mind? I'm all over the place in my thoughts and actions. Kind of getting lost in the sea of existence and not quite knowing how to swim to higher ground. I'm unsturdy and unstable--getting all of my thoughts jumbled about until I can't even figure out what I believe in or what I want to do.

I know that I haven't been allowing myself to spend time with my own thoughts. I flood myself with video games, art, piano, writing. Never leaving off even for a moment just to relax and be at peace. I think about lighting candles and surrounding myself in soothing music and incense and just stopping the intensity and insanity for a moment, but I just never do it.

When I think about the medication I'm on for depression/anxiety I realize that when I forget to take it I'm a real mess. I cry and sob and feel like the world has come to an end. Really it's a more natural emotional response to me than I feel when I do take the pills because there is a definite numbing sensation when I'm medicated that I can hardly explain... I don't know which is more desirable?! Numb and complacent, or faltering and crumbling...I guess either way I'm destined to be a mess. I may as well embrace it right?!

Here is an upcoming Rictus Show Flyer in case anyone is interested :)

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taken from 'Your Spirit Guide' Group [18 Aug 2005|07:34am]
A - Age you lost your virginity? – 15 unwillingly
B - Band listening to right now? - Gorillaz
C - Dream car? – My 1973 Oldsmobile Omega rebuilt!
D - Dads name? - Bob
E - Easiest person to make laugh? – Jeff from the band
F - Food you miss most? – Watermelon
G - Any encounters with ghosts? – yes and I miss it
H - Person most hated at the moment? – hate is a strong word!
I - Interesting unknown fact about yourself? .- I sew quilts and doll clothes etc.
J - The first letter of the last person who broke your heart? - ?
K - Kissing with eyes opened or closed? – closed—kissing someone with their eyes open looks funny J
L - Last time you did LSD? – a couple years ago
M - Most memorable moment you can think of in a minute? – partying at Phil’s house
N - Nicknames? – Ria, riagoose, Mia, Blue, Nimaway
O - What's the most valued possession? – Larry and the cats—if you can call them possessions!
P - Poison of choice? – Rum and lemonade
Q - The last quote you heard – “Puke, puke, puke”
R - What are you allergic to? – cats, dogs, hay, pollen, dust mold—you name it!
S - Song you sang last? – Music of the Night—Phantom of the Opera
T - Time you woke up? – 6am
U - Fav. pair of underwear? – pretty pink undies & push up black bra
V - Vegetable you hate most? – beets
W - What are you the most afraid of? - death
X - X-rated love life? – sure why not?!
Y - Year you were born? - 1975
Z - Zodiac sign? - Virgo
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[03 Jun 2005|02:19pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

I have this huge urge to be creative but I just can't put my thoughts together nicely today. I want to do a million things but I won't settle for one thing or another and that's probably the main problem. Plus I think I left my keys in the garage and so now I can't go down there and play piano and that's the main thing I wanted to work on today. I miss it when I'm not down there--like it's an old friend or something. Plus it sounds a million times better than the keyboard I have up here. Maybe I'll have to resign myself to the keyboard instead today and stop all my fussing.

Besides the piano thing I also wanted to start a painting idea I had and a comic idea I had. The painting has to be for Larry because I love him and can't wait to give him something cool, but I'm not as grim as he is and I can't think of something evil and grim enough to satisfy his artistic tastes. I'm thinking something with skulls, dragons, rats etc. I hope he ends up liking it.

I hear kids outside and it makes me feel cooped up in the apartment. I think I'll go for a walk-see how scatter brained I am?

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haha--this is exactly the character I play in D & D!!! [02 Jun 2005|08:22am]
[ mood | happy ]

Victory! You scored -9!

Lover. Fighter. Wanderer. You're a bard. You live to create art.
Whether you are a writer, an actor, a musician, or a little bit of all,
you are always expressing yourself. Your parents probably told you to
get a haircut, straighten up and get a damn job but you're not having
any of that! Your friends dig you because you are entertaining and you
make them feel pretty awesome. However, you are still trying to find a
way out of your parent's basement. Wyld Stallions rule!

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 56% on charpoints
Link: The What D&D Character are you? Test written by six_demon_bag on OkCupid Free Online Dating
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[01 Jun 2005|04:48pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

Just waiting to leave for band practice--I come along because it's fun for me to get out of the house--especially since I don't have a car right now. Larry's been working on our 1973 Olds Omega and it's almost in good enough shape to drive. It needs brake work right now though. It pulls to one side when we brake. Also it needs some shocks because the old ones punched through the trunk. I love that car though and can hardly wait to get it working again.

I've been slacking off on my diet and exercise plan for the weekend and it's hard to get back on track. So far I lost 14 pounds altogether which for me is truly impressive. I hope I can keep losing, but if I don't stop these horrid eating habits I won't get far! I tried on a dress that I wore for Kevin and Alicia's wedding and I have 3 inches of room. Before the darn thing was skin tight and I could hardly move or breathe! It was a nice surprise :)

Hope that Larry gets home soon so I can make some supper. I need milk to make the hamburger helper and I can't finish it without!!!

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[26 May 2005|10:36pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

Larry's been utterly panicking about our trip to Iceland. He seems to think that things will crash and burn around us. He reads, researches, paces, and worries and there's nothing I can do for him because nothing seems to help in any way. I just hope he finds a way to relax and start enjoying the idea of the trip rather than dreading it!

We've been getting the apartment ready for when we're gone and it's taken a lot to clean things up and get them in order. I feel bad because every time I clean one area I seem to mess up another in the process. Soon though I'll have to eventually make some headway.

My aunt and uncle are dropping off a chair tomorrow so when my Grandma stays over to cat-sit she'll have a place to sit that doesn't sink so deep that it's impossible to get out of and doesn't have springs poking through. I hope she has an ok time here and that people stop by to visit her here while we're away. I wouldn't want to be alone for a week with no company! I know that my cousins are stopping by in the evening and maybe they'll be here with her for the weekend too (they still have to go to their last week of school that week)

I'm kind of looking forward to the CD relase party this weekend and I'm kind of nervous about it. I just hope that people make it out and that they all have a great time. I love the people we hang out with and I don't want to dissapoint them!

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Shows, Art Museum, Car Accident and Confirmation [25 May 2005|02:31am]
[ mood | tired ]

This past weekend was a definite mix of good and bad.

We went out to a show Friday to see some local bands that are friends of ours--Carbellion and Fade. They are cool guys and we had a lot of fun seeing them play at the small town bar near the band practice spot. I like that whole crowd a lot--they're fun and cool to be with.

Saturday Larry and I went out to the art museum and we paid to see the Degas scuptures and the rest of their regular art collection. I love the feeling of being amongst art and knowing that I'm kind of a part of that world too now. I like the pictures done in pastel from Degas better than the sculpture, but some of the sculptures were pretty cool. It was funny because there was a gigantic sculpture of a very full figured naked woman and we watched as many of the tourists came and had their pictures taken next to it :)

After the art museum we found this little pub that we'd eaten at once before. It reminds me of an old world pub or inn because the floors and walls and furnishings are all made of dark wood. The food there is really good and really filling too. I had a turkey bacon wrap, mac & cheese and fries and I was FULL after 1/2 of it!

We dropped off some of their band CDs at the local record store and then we went home to nap. After napping for quite a while we decided to go out to a bar we haven't been to in a while to drop off a shirt and CD for the bar owner. On the way there we hit a deer while going down the freeway. It was quite an impact--on my side of the car. My knees hit the dash, but luckily I was wearing a seatbelt. We pulled over and Larry tried to wave people down, but since it looked like nobody was going to stop Larry tried to pull the fender away from the front tire. I stayed in the car, but I could see the whole hood was crumpled up and my door was stuck shut. A terrible smell wafted into the car and I thought it was the engine, but it turned out to be the blood and guts of the deer. It was an awful smell and I felt so bad for the poor deer we'd killed. Somebody finally stopped to help and he called the police and then some friends of ours stopped too because they recognized Larry's trench coat. After the cop checked up on us and left our friends followed us to the next exit ramp and we turned around and went home. I was dazed all night from the experience and couldn't even bring myself to look at the damage!

Sunday we got up early to fix the brakes on our van. We hadn't fixed them earlier because Larry was using the car to get to work and I can write and paint etc. from home so I didn't urgently need a car. He fixed them up for $10 because all it needed was brake pads. (Luckily) and he got it fixed up really quick. We went to my cousin's confirmation after the van was fixed because I was her sponsor. It was chaotic and unorganized, but we got through it somehow and then spent the rest of the night at my Aunt and Uncle's house eating brats marinated in special sauce, cheesy potatoes, chocolate mousse, chocolate dipped strawberries, and cake. YUM! When we got home Larry hosed off the car because it was still covered in blood and fur and guts. I finally went to look at the damage and the front headlights were missing and the whole front of the car was smashed in. I guess we're going to donate the car to a guy who is going to enter it in the Ozaukee county demolition derby. We just can't see looking for a fender, light fixtures, hood and door when it goes through soo much oil and runs so poorly as it is. We're going to fix our 1973 Olds instead.

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[20 May 2005|02:55pm]
[ mood | sad ]

LiveJournal Haiku!
Your name:riagoose
Your haiku:childhood lost today
i can write and paint for a
little different
Created by Grahame
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[20 May 2005|02:22pm]
[ mood | sad ]

I'm so frustrated I could cry. Our computer went to hell and we had to reformat and now I lost everything... Not only did I have to reinstall all of our programs, but we thought we had backed up everything else...but we only got a few folders and we didn't save any band promotion stuff, or any of my writing... I had a bunch of stuff done that I was proud of and now it's completely gone.

I swear sometimes I get to the point where I want to give up on things. I've been avoiding the computer for some time now because of the problems I've been facing with it. Half the time it just sits on the black loadup screen and half the time we have weird spool errors etc. I guess I have to face it that we probably need to buy a new one. It's been 6 years!

Now we can't scan anything because the computer won't recognize the scanner and I can't find the driver disk for our camera so we can get pictures off of it. I have paintings I did of 'The Wizard of Oz', a garden scene and a few other paintings that I was going to send in to Space Junkies Magazine and some band merchandise pictures I was going to put on their website and now I can't. Sigh...I'm having a bad day.

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[29 Apr 2005|05:03pm]
[ mood | tired ]

It's been quite a while since I've written in here and it's nice to have a place to write again. Everything is really chaotic here because we're scrambling to get everything figured out for our trip to Iceland in June. They have CD's on the way and shirts...1000 of each and we're planning CD release parties, shows and all of the travel stuff all at once. It's not nearly as bad as a few weeks ago when they were in the studio and also working on CD art and shirt designs and getting the money together!!! That was a huge pile of chaos!

Larry's been reading this travel book to me all about Iceland and it sounds pretty cool. There are differences that surprise me a lot. They have very few trees, they have cool temperatures (around the 50's in the spring and only a little warmer in the summer), they have a very low crime rate and littering is almost nonexistant. I can't wait to be there. I plan to bring my sketchpad and draw as much as I can while I'm there. I also want to take pictures so I can paint some of the scenes when I get back.

I'm working on a lot of different things lately. I bought myself a flute and I'm working through the "learn flute today" book from the music store. I'm also learning bass (Larry and I finally paid my Grandma back the money she borrowed to us in exchange for the bass). Dave set it all up for me and it took a bit of time but now the strings are closer to the neck and they buzz less. I'm glad he's willing to help me with that stuff. I'm also playing piano about 1 hour a day and painting a lot more often. I have a painting to give to Alexis tonight of 'The Wizard of Oz' characters. It turned out good except for 'Dorothy's' hands. I just couldn't get them to look quite right so I resigned myself to the mangled shape they are just to move onto another painting. Now I'm working on a flower garden and I'm searching out books on human figure painting so I can paint faeries more beautifully.

I've been taking a drug called "Effexor" for a little over a month now for anxiety and depression. I was getting so many anxiety attacks that I thought I had some sort of serious heart condition. Now I'm doing a lot better...not perfect though--I'm a little different than I was and my thoughts are a little bit more cluttered but I'm not stricken with chest pains or the shakes or the desire to stay home and avoid social situations...I guess I have to take the bad with the good at this point!

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[15 Mar 2005|11:54am]
Worked out for 4 weeks now and the challenge is to get another two yet so I can earn the "Wisconsin Governor's Challenge". I think I can do it, but that means working out TODAY! I can do it and I MUST!
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[07 Mar 2005|11:46pm]
[ mood | ambitious ]

I've been trying really hard to write...mostly for myself, but partially because I have this aspiration to someday finish SOMETHING and get it published in paper form. I have tons of stories started in the computer and in journals and stuff like that but as soon as I get started I only get so far, then I come back and I hate everything I wrote. I wonder if anyone else feels this way about writing!?

Larry is in bed sleeping and I remain up writing and checking emails and such. It's hard for me to sleep lately and I don't know quite why.

I'm proud to say I've been exercising lately. I work out 30+ minutes a day for 5 days a week. It's really an ambitious thing I've taken up in an effort to get in better shape somehow. I'm really afraid of developing some tragic health problem onset by bad habits! No weight has been lost, but also none has been gained either which is good. I feel better too.

Another reason I want to do this is because Larry said something shocking to me one day a while back. I had been quite sick and my skin was looking real bad from the psoriasis and he said he was afraid I wouldn't be long for this world if I didn't do something soon. That scared me really bad and made me realize that I have to change something and maybe one small change will lead to another.

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[06 Mar 2005|09:46pm]
[ mood | excited ]

Finally we're finding a way through the madness and chaos to gain firm footing once again. It's been a long road of catch-up to find our way back again, but it's been worth it.

We had a big weekend again with another show at Vnuk's Lounge. I like that place a lot. It's always clean and well-maintained (unlike some of our local bars in smaller towns near our home). The show went well--Spiral Trance and Chainsnap did a really great job. Rictus was fun as hell to watch too and their set was awesome. Larry was goofing off and dancing around and Dave put on the old "Lothar" mask and I laughed so hard I almost dropped the camcorder. It was fun too because we had friends along who were drinking really hard and I got to get drunk right along with them for the first time in a while. I'm usually so serious lately or full of anxiety and I find myself sitting on the bus isolated from everyone simply because I can't handle all of the interaction and chaos! It was a nice change and a good release.

Today Larry wanted to fix the brakes on my car and he went out to get started this afternoon and didn't have his car parts--he'd left them at the band room in Mequon so we went for a drive out there and when we got back he fixed the car in less than an hour. I sat outside with him crouched on the back step in the warm sun, just soaking it in. It seems like forever since the day was warm enough and the sky clear enough to enjoy being outside... I was glad to hear I wouldn't have to go without a car for long. I hate being trapped home for very long.

Now we have a HUGE weekend coming up. We have a party on Friday, a show on Saturday in Steven's Point and a radio interview on WWSP on Sunday night. We're staying up there for the whole day after the show and it'll be a long day especially since we don't know the town very well, but I'll bet it'll be quite an adventure :)

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[18 Feb 2005|05:40pm]
[ mood | motivated ]

Tomorrow I have a "portfolio review" at MIAD that was set up through the West Bend Art Museum. What this means is that I get to show my slides to people who are professional artists and people in the art industry. I'm excited and nervous. The funny thing is I'm not especially nervous about the art itself, or what they have to say about it because I know I'm a beginner. I'm only worried that I will not be able to handle using the slide projector...hahaha!

Immediately after I show my slides we have to slip out and get to the band room to make our way to Wisconsin Rapids. It'll be a long trip, but we always had fun up there because they have a definite metal following up there and the drinks are cheap. Aside from the bar we also reserved a room up there which will be a nice change from sleeping on the bus after every show. I love the bus, but sometimes it's nice to have a bathroom and shower and BREAKFAST...even if it's only a bagel and some hot water for tea.

I colored my hair black again because I'm feeling dramatic and dark lately. I'm thinking of making some other changes life to improve my intense dread of aging. I started working out 30+ minutes a day for 5 days each week. So far I've done great and I'm really proud of myself, but I haven't succeeded in losing any weight. I've also decided on a ghost writer name when I start putting together my writing for possible publication (I'm keeping it a secret, but it's a name I've always loved).

Enough blah blah blah for now. I'm glad to be back online. I missed everyone!

4 comments|post comment

Uncle Ed, Doomsday, Writings and Art Studio [10 Feb 2005|01:15pm]
[ mood | busy ]

I'm relieved that my uncle Ed is doing ok. He had a tear or blowout of his aorta and I have been weepy and shaky and sad over the whole situation for days. Every time the phone rang I tightened up and got nervous and scared of bad news. My uncle is a tough guy though, he works harder and knows how to live better than most people I know and if anyone can get through this it will be him. I wish I could go visit, but since the Doomsday show I've had the flu and I didn't want to make things worse for him just for my comfort and peace of mind. He was one of the people who believed in me the most and always found pride in the things I was able to accomplish, even if those things are somewhat unconventional...he even liked my art! I wish for him the fastest recovery possible.

Now that Doomsday is done and over with it's time to try and get back all that we left behind to do the show. We used up all of our resources both financially and otherwise doing the show and we lost our internet, cable, and almost lost our phone and electric...hahaha! But what an amazing show. The way that show grows every year is amazing to me... Larry calls it my show because I did all of the flyers, tickets, name badges, vendors, promotion, I organized the promotional stuff for the people who came out to see the show and burned comps until my eyes burned and my back got sore. I was so happy to go around and see it all happening and to know that people really appreciated and enjoyed the show :) I hope that everyone can see how much we love all the bands we know and all of the bands we meet and how much we want them to succeed. This music scene is in our blood and in our souls and it seems to drive us along regardless of trials and tribulations...

I'm feeling so bad to neglect all the writings that I have been doing for some time now. SJM and Garageradio will have to wait until we get our finances back into shape...at least until next month...(((sigh)))

Right now I'm putting together stuff to send to Belgium and Florida. (one fan and one business contact for the band). I'm excited when people like the band enough to ask for CDs. Before we were begging people just to take a listen :)

Also, now that I'm offline (except the few times I can sneak online over by my Aunt and Uncle's house) I'm setting up my art studio. It's really just the back bedroom, but I put up all my paintings on the walls and organized the closet with all of my paints and chalks and brushes etc. I even put my keyboard in there because it is so inspiring to have it in there for piano lessons. I hope I get a table to use for painting soon because I have so many ideas for pieces and I have been getting nothing done!

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one more week [22 Jan 2005|02:53am]
[ mood | tired ]

Doomday comes in one more week. It's 3AM and I'm burning compilation CD's...(Well I took a break to write this because my CD burner was crapping out on me)

One more week and I will have so much more time to write and paint and get other things done. Maybe I'll even get a little sleep...ahhh sleep, my long lost friend :)

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